A young woman's lessons on Singlehood -Part 1

Marry in haste and repent in leisure!

After eighteen years of being of married, I was forced to ask the question, “Why did I get married?”

        Please do not misunderstand, I am not challenging the choice of my husband. I was challenging myself to answer the real motivation, of my wanting to get married. Over the past few weeks, I have been praying about certain issues in my life, and one day, last Wednesday to be precise, I woke up, feeling like I was being taken into a time machine, and I was then suddenly an invisible spectator to my own life, my life from eighteen years back. I am not losing my mind, really ,and I am told that this does happen to people sometimes. Although the experience was surreal, it did leave me feeling raw and emotional and buoyant, all at the same time.
        It was amazing to meet the young me, so naïve, and so full of hope and fear of the future, waiting at the threshold of marriage. And then I remembered, the memory of my own fears that I had since long forgotten.
The fear that nobody would ever want to marry me.
I was only twenty-three, I was successful, I had a good job and I today I know that my fears were unfounded.
Or were they?
If my fears were unfounded, then maybe I was looking at the wrong set of fears.

Its a Girl!!!

        Of course, I don’t remember my own birth. But I had pieced together the memory, from my own mother’s words, and my experiences growing up, that my birth did not bring hope and joy to my parents, but I had presented to my parents the dread of having to face the shame of having a baby girl, the burden of saving up for dowry, their own fear of losing out on the support system in their old age. I could become the Queen of England, but I would still only be a burden to them.

        So, they set out to build their life with the unfortunate cards they were dealt. Anything they did from then on, would always carry the tag, “wasted investment". When I put on weight as a child, the neighbors and relatives looked sorrowfully at the parents. My parents wondered who would marry me.I studied hard and got an admission into an Engineering College. My mother’s panic was what kind of a job would Engineering provide for a future mother and wife. What is my qualification proved too much in the market for qualified grooms? The same neighbors who had looked at them sorrowfully, now looked on with jealousy . This made my parents a little bit more comfortable in their situation. Maybe it wasn’t going to be all that bad after all. When I got my first salary, I had wanted to treat my parents, but my father refused to accept anything big from me as he said he rather I saved it up as dowry. So, I bought him a shirt. My mother looked longingly at the money I was making and told me that, how if I were a son, then they could use my money to fix the house. The roof was leaking, but they already saw me and the money I was earning as the property of some man from the future.

        I had enough money to put down as down payment for a house. But I was told not to. How could I invest into my future without the approval of the future partner?My husband and his family were in my parents’ mind the rightful beneficiaries of my bank balance. I grew up not wanting to, and not really hurting my parents. The idea that nothing I did could ever erase the burden of me being a daughter, was wedged in, like a piece of glass stuck in my soul. Their fear and their shame were an invisible but undeniable burden that they carried and eventually passed on to me.

        So, when I was twenty-three, my dad told me that it was time to look at potential suitors. I felt like the poor and pathetic calf, being dressed up to pass on to any unsuspecting groom. You see, by now although I had close friends who were girls and I was well liked and loved, I did not have a lot of experience with boys. Growing up, we did not meet any boys. I was not allowed to sit next to my cousins who were male.

        While in university, although I had expected my mother to be very strict when it came to boys, she seemed to longingly hope that every man I mentioned would be the one, the one who would marry me. The one who gave me identity, a purpose, and the one who would give their daughter the legitimacy. They were hoping to start living vicariously through me, my life.

        My life as a single woman was a burden to them, but my life as a married woman would make me the show horse, that they can finally take pride in having reared. So, with great anticipation, the matrimonial sites were subscribed to. The most flattering photograph was selected. And the panic and confusion started; do they downplay my career success or exaggerate our family connections?

        For the first time in my life, fear filled my heart. I saw fear in my parents’ eyes. What if nobody married me? Was I too tall, or was I too fat? Was I overqualified or did not have enough pedigree? Did my salary compensate for the paltry dowry?

        I felt rejected even before any man could actually reject me. I was reared to be married off. I was not told to prepare for an alternate reality. There simply could not be an alternate reality. Period. I suddenly found that I did not know what I had to do to prepare myself to an acceptable bride.

But somehow I had accepted that a man’s approval of me will give me identify and worth.

I was only twenty-three.

Single and Lonely

        I was now living in a new city, all alone. My parents were actively looking for a groom. The responses to all their advertisements were slim. And I lived in limbo. I was waiting. I knew what a burden I was to my parents, and I actively waited. I did not try to make new long-term friends. My old friends were faraway. Some of them were married and busy with their new lives. I was lonely. Horribly lonely. And somehow, I was told that it was how you waited for your groom. I had always been obedient. I had obeyed my parents and teachers. I had studied and worked hard and had got a good job. Nobody told me what was expected of me next.

        But I was expected not to spoil my chances at bagging the prize. A decent husband .No talking to boys or getting new friends or making any kind of investment, or even accepting job offers for a better opportunity abroad. It was like waiting on death-row.

        It got horribly lonely. Heart breakingly lonely. And into an environment like this , my future husband walked in. Having no experience with men, I did not know what to look for. Red flags? I did not know even know there was such a thing. The most important  and the only criteria for me was to marry a Christian believer and not to shame my parents. I though I was fulfilling the purpose I was born for. To be married. To ease the burden on my parents, by getting myself off their hands. And the rest of my life, as they say, is history.

Marry in haste and repent at leisure.

Back to 2024!

Now that I was back from my time machine travels, I asked myself what I would advice my younger self to do ,to prepare for life , to dream of a future and how I could value myself. Some of  what my heart really longed for were legitimate God given needs.

I had been looking for Significance, Self-worth, Safety, Acceptance, and to be loved.

Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before him.
God is our refuge. Selah.
—Psalm 62:5–8

Lesson 1

His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

At twenty three, I was not a child. I was not a wife. I was a single woman. I should have learnt to embrace singlehood. 
We should teach our daughters that singlehood is a calling not a death sentence, that marriage is not an ultimate destination and we have to be able to live contently in the present, irrespective of whether it is marriage or singless in our future.

Lesson 2

The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,will himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little while. 1 Peter 5:10

My parents’ opinion of my value was not my true worth. Jesus died in my place. I was worth everything to Him. I was actually enough.

Lesson 3

Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Take the lead in honoring one another. Romans 12:10

Lesson 4

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.I am able to do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:12–13

Life in a new city, far away from friends and family, was bound to get lonely. Marriage does not cure loneliness. I should have gone back home or made an effort to find friends and live a fulfilled life instead of getting married.

God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Psalm 68:6

Lesson 5

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10

Jesus saved me when I was eighteen.  His love was supposed to fill me and be enough. I had assumed that marriage was the key that would unlock my life and potential. But Jesus is the answer, the key to my longings. The author of my purpose. The lover of my soul. I had the right and the resources to live a life of a queen. But I lived the life of a slave.

Lesson 6

Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you,do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time. Song of Songs 8:4

Purity is not a commodity to be traded for the acceptance of any man. I was neither rejected, nor waiting to be discarded. No man had to choose me to give me value.