“Lord, I Want to See”
But what you can do is steady yourself and lean in and dig in and be secure, so when this wave of anxiety crashes on your shore, on your person, you have some preparation. Now, you still feel something, and you maybe wish you didn’t feel that. But that kind of passion is different than the affections that I think God wants to work in us by His Word. --Pastor Kevin DeYoung
A Parable of Autonomy (Mark 10:46–52)
“What do you want Me to do for you?” Mark 10:51
Jesus asked this of a blind man on the roadside. It is a piercing question, not just for the physically blind, but for any soul that feels confused, helpless, or stuck. And when I heard this account being read in church, something inside me stirred. How did the blind man know what to ask for? If the Lord asked me the same question, what would I say?
For me, this question has become the gateway to healing. I have pondered this question for a few days now, and this is my answer.
Lord, please restore my AUTONOMY.
Because I finally realize what I’m asking for. Not just relief, but autonomy. But not autonomy as the world defines it. I am not looking for the lonely self-rule that rebels against all authority, but the biblical kind. It is the freedom to choose what is right, what is true and what is mine.
What sight is to blindness, affection is to autonomy.
Affections? What is that?
When we hear the word emotion, we think of how we feel in the moment. Maybe what comes to mind is hunger, sadness, anger and fear These are often immediate, reactive, and tied to our circumstances. They can rise and fall without warning. That’s why early Christian thinkers often described emotions (or passions) as the “lower appetites.” Like hunger or fatigue, they aren’t inherently sinful, but they must not lead us. Think of emotion as you would weather. It changes, it shifts, and it can cloud your judgment. But affections, in the biblical and Puritan tradition, are deeper. They are the commitments of the heart, formed by love, habit, faith, and choice. Affections are what you set your heart on. They involve your will and your worship.
“Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.” Colossians 3:2, KJV
While emotions may hijack you, affections are what you intentionally build your life around. They reflect what you love most, and what you live for.
Emotions happen to us. Affections are formed in us.
One reason so many of us feel lost, out of control, or emotionally exhausted is that we’ve confused the two. We let emotions rule, then feel ashamed for being “too much” or “not enough.” But God never shames us for our emotions. He simply doesn’t want them to be the engine of our life. He wants us to cultivate right affections, so our choices begin to flow from truth and not from fear.
We live in a fallen world, and sometimes our life circumstances are less than perfect. Especially where control, manipulation, or coercion are present, your God-given autonomy is slowly worn down. You stop choosing and start reacting. You live in survival mode. And even when you feel emotions deeply, they no longer lead you back to the truth of who you are. That’s why healing doesn’t start with being less emotional.
What am I allowed to love?
What do I choose to value?
Who gets to tell me what is good, true, and beautiful?
It is a sacred act to reclaim your affections. It is a healing act to set your heart again on Christ. Because He is not a tyrant. He’s a King who restores your ability to choose. And for those of us who feel our autonomy has been trampled, by lies, shame or even spiritual manipulation; this is our prayer too:
“Lord, I want to love rightly again. I want to feel deeply but live from truth. I want to set my affections where You dwell and not where I’ve been hurt. And I want to walk in the light, fully alive to You, fully free in You.”
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