A longing fulfilled is a tree of life

 

            I grew up in a world where my worth was something that had to be earned. It was never something I simply had. It wasn’t intrinsic. It wasn’t mine to claim. It was assigned to me by those around me, measured by how well I met their expectations.

            For my parents, my worth was in how marriageable I was. My hard work in school, my achievements, my appearance,none of it mattered for my own sake. It only mattered in relation to how well it positioned me for a “good” match. If I was too ambitious, I was intimidating. If I earned too much, it would threaten a potential husband. If I wasn’t slim enough, graceful enough, obedient enough,I was reducing my value. My worth was only as good as public opinion. Even now, my parents will only invest time and effort in me if it affects how they are perceived.

            Then I got married, and my worth shifted,but it was still measured, still conditional, still something I had to prove. Now, my worth was in what I did, how well I served. Could I cook well enough? Clean well enough? Behave well enough? Did I present myself as a worthy prize that my in-laws could proudly claim? I was never simply enough. I was always being weighed, found wanting, and compared to some invisible standard. If I cooked well, someone else could do it better. If I was a good wife, the neighbor’s daughter was a better one. If I sacrificed, it was expected. If I fell short, it was proof I was never worth much in the first place. That was the world I lived in.

        Until these past five months.These months with Jesus, and without the toxic voices constantly evaluating me, showed me something I had never understood before.

I had spent my whole life believing that my worth came from my usefulness.But in truth, my usefulness was always supposed to come from my worth.

        If a queen bakes a cake, that cake is not judged the way an ordinary cake would be. Its value doesn’t come from the taste alone,it comes from who made it.

That is how God sees me.

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

I was never meant to be weighed and measured by others.
My worth is not in how well I serve, how much I can endure, or how many people approve of me.
My worth is in who I belong to.
The One who created me gave me value,not because I proved myself useful, but simply because I am His.

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:16

When I was alone with Jesus,without the constant shifting expectations of my husband, my parents, or my culture,I felt my worth for the first time.
For the first time, I was not being evaluated.
I was not being measured.
I was just being.
And in that quiet, in that peace, I found the truth: I was already enough.
And now? Now I refuse to go back.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

I have been set free.
And I will not return to a world where my worth is a bargaining chip, assigned and revoked at the whim of others.
My worth is sealed in Christ.
It is unshakable.
It is mine.
This is what I’ve learned. And I will hold onto it with everything I have.

For a brief season, I tasted peace.
Not just the absence of conflict, but the deep, soul-resting kind of peace that settles like sunlight after a long storm.
It wasn’t flashy or loud, it was quiet, steady, fulfilling.
It was the kind of peace that doesn’t need to be earned, bargained for, or defended.
And for the first time in a long time, I saw clearly.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

        But now, that peace feels like it’s slipping through my fingers. Not because it’s gone, but because I am being pulled back into a familiar fog, one filled with shifting goalposts, half-truths, and the constant hum of control disguised as concern. A fog that makes me question whether what I experienced was real, or if I was simply imagining freedom.

But I know the truth. I lived it. And I cannot unsee it.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

        The battle now is not about changing anyone else. It’s about holding onto that truth, even when the fog rolls back in. It’s about remembering that my worth, my peace, my reality is not something another person can grant or take away. Because the worth I have found is not the worth the world has assigned to me. Not the worth of a daughter to be married off, or a wife whose value is measured in how much work she can do for a family. Not the worth that shifts depending on how much I ask for, or how little I complain. I have found intrinsic worth in Christ.

“You are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.” Isaiah 43:4

His love is not transactional.

His peace is not conditional.

My value is not up for negotiation.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

So today, I choose to hold onto that peace. I choose not to be pulled back into old patterns, not to explain or justify my right to exist in the light. The fog may swirl, the voices may rise, but I will not let go of what I have seen.

Because the longing has already been fulfilled. And it is a tree of life.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12